Kochi: by night

What do Kochi and Bangalore have in common? Other than the same country, mallu population, etc etc? Think maadi.

Anyhoo, have you played Wolfeinstien 3D? That one kickass game which ruined many a summer day when we were kids? Well if you have played and remember the UI, with BJ running around the claustrophobic labyrinth in a Nazi encampment in search of Ammo, Medicine and one big bad ass to kill. Remember? Remember? Freak man, that could as well have been Old Kochi. These guys (at ID software, which i am told no longer exists by that name, god bless their bank accounts) were surely sitting in Old Kochi when they conceptualized the UI. Narrow walled roads, about one and a half car’s width across (yes width, not length) snake around the city in a elaborate pattern ensuring that you travel 10 kms by road to be displaced by only 1km. No footpath. None. Wall – Road – Wall. That's it. Apparently people don’t need to walk in Kochi. While we are on the topic, let me not forget to mention the odd telephone or electricity pole planted in the middle of the road :) Yes, it is not just Subsaharan Africa (or Bangalore) which can lay claim to ingenious road widening/narrowing projects worthy of an Ig Nobel prize.

So, did you guess already? The freaking Traffic is a nightmare! Serious competition to Bangalore. In everything. Traffic, infrastructure, Software companies, underwear ads and the insane number of cubbyholed malls fueling consumer excess. Serious competition. Or maybe, just maybe, we guys were always at the wrong place at the wrong time?

But you know what? Even in the middle of all the madness there are pockets of serenity and bliss. Like the Kochi port. Gardens line the M.G. Road area, from where you can see the cargo ships berthing at the port. Here are few photos of Kochi by night. The first two are of the Kochi Port. In the second photo the tiny building to the left is the Taj. The last one was shot from the roof top of a friend’s house.

And you know what? The food is freaking amazing :) The Puttum Kadalayum is to be eaten. The Appam Stew (Not to be mistaken for Appam Chuthiya, who apparently also stays here), the Idiappam. Finger licking good. Daimn, my mouth is watering already.

Oh ya, don’t forget the Chinese fishing nets :)

Kochi: by night

Alappuzha and its backwaters

First of all, it is not pronounced the way you’d imagine it to be. That is correct, is it not Ah-la-poo-sa. It is Aha-la-poo-rla, or some such weird tongue contorting thing. Ask Shenoy, and he’ll tell you the tongue gymnastics we had to perform to ask for directions. First we used Ah-la-poo-sa, and all we got were blank looks, and then we used the Marathi equivalent of la, rolling tongue and everything, and all we received were bouts of laughter, and then if the askee could tear himself away from LHFAO (Laughing his freaking ass off), then we’d be pointed along in the right direction. I can now sympathize with the British fellas for choosing to call this place Alleppey.

After two hours of providing entertainment to the locals, we found ourselves on a bridge. Yeah, right, not just any bridge, but a bridge in the town of Alappuzha. Believe me, it was the most disappointing sight of my life (given that my life is akin to a goldfish, 5 second memory and everything, that statement is no surprise). I had expectations of this place man. Expectations. Close your eyes and imagine “Houseboat + Kerala”. Does it involve water ways clogged with water hyacinth? Stinking of shit? Dingy motor boats, without a house boat in sight? Wild pigs running around? It doesn’t, now does it? Well, that is exactly what we got. I was in half a mind to turn around and go away and drown myself in the Arabian Sea (G.O.L.D.F.I.S.H.), but then wiser counsel prevailed and we parked the car near the tourist office to fish around for a suitable boat.

The tourist office informed us that the only way to traverse the waterways is to hire a motorboat. Available for only Rs.500 per hour. And that it would take us about 3 hours to visit the village to Kuttanad and back. According to lonely planet, the revered – I am only for idiotic f*cking clueless travelers – guide book, it was some sort of cultural village to be seen. Those of you who know me, also know that I religiously follow this book, even though it ALWAYS falls way short of expectation. But, but, Katpad it was for us, and we haggled around and found a PINK, yes PINK, boat for Rs 2000 for a 4 hour trip around the backwaters.

With a disguised disappointed look, I got into the boat and resigned myself to 4 four hours of stink, water hyacinth, and boredom. But then, like the proverbial (really? which proverb?) goldfish, in about 2 minutes i had my camera out and shooting at will. I shot the pig, I shot the dilapidated boat, I shot the car on the road, I shot the sheriff… err… no. But you get the picture. Shenoy and me were commenting - “So, this is how they put chuna to the foreign tourists”. Falsers words had not entirely tumbled out of our blasphemous mouths, that lo, behold we were in the real backwaters. Houseboats. Gazzilions of them. In mind blowingly beautiful settings. Even after a month of this revelation, I find it particularly difficult to write about that moment. I think “I was bowled over” is a gross understatement.

There were so many of these house boats, and not one was available to us! It was apparently the tourist season. Not too hot, not too humid, and hardly any rains, so all in all perfect weather to hole up in one of these house boats and err… well.. do nothing. Absolutely nothing. What bliss (sigh)

The going rate for one of these boats was Rs 10000 a night. I know, WTF? But well, I think we got the inflated prices, perhaps haggling can get it down. A bit. According to Reju, our friendly boatsman, it costs upto Rs 10,00,000 to build one of these houseboats. The are all equipped with a kitchen, library, a lounge, and all modern gadgets that you’d really have wanted to leave behind on a vacation. Yeah, like who would want to see the idiot box on a vacation? Huh? Apparently, a lot of people (Not everybody is like you Mr. Me). These boats are equipped with DTH service and big ass plasma Televisions. No kidding. Check out the guy with the My-toddy-strongest pose ;)

We, were still reeling from the after effects of the colossal house boats (colossal is err… well… you know… exaggeration) when we meandered into this section of the backwaters, where there was no one but us. The homes were so beautiful. But with only waterways connecting them. If in the urban setting a family has two cars, one for the husband and one for the wife, then here they just substitute that with boats. These guys live off the water. Literally.

I particularly was blown away by the house on the extreme left.It looked like it was inspired by Laurie Baker, and to be honest, it is quite similar to the fantasy home that i have built for myself in my head.

For about an hour and a half we were just meandering the backwaters, soaking in the scenery, the greenery, the water, the little fishes in the water, the ducks, the billions of ducks, the different methods of fishing, and then a freaking phone rang. It was Reju. Our enterprising boatsman, had a tie up with this little restaurant in the middle of the backwaters, where lunch was awaiting us. So he brings in the fish (i.e. us) and they cook it (i.e. fleece us). Wow.

Anyway, hungry we were, so we agreed to lunch. The fish was fresh, straight from the river. The owner seemed a bit disappointed that I was a vegi. But I must agree on one point – it was finger licking good. It wasn’t too heavy on the pocket either – Rs 400 for three people and plate of shrimp pepper fry or something.

After the finger licking good lunch, we headed back to Alappuzha, but hey.. we didn’t need that extra hour, so we forced Reju to give us an extended tour of the Vembanad lake :) Boy, this lake is huge. Colossal (no exaggeration this time!)

And we also learnt an important lesson. You can use the State transport ferry service to do the same route, well almost the same route, for a little under Rs 60 per head :) I like it when I am told such things! On the whole, I’d say it was the highlight of the trip to Kerala. These four hours were by far the best. Not that the rest of the trip was crappy or anything, yet – these were the backwaters man! Lazing on a boat. Now if only I got to see the Nehru Cup like that lucky pig Googie got to see ;)

P.S. Whatever on earth happened to the Kuttanad thingy? Even we forgot :)

Alappuzha and its backwaters